in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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