Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
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