you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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