walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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