I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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