Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
