Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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