I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
