please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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