yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
