I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
