Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
