yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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