Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
