just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
