If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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