well I can't set my house on fire every night
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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