Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Randomize
