I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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