why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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