So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
