I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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