Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
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