If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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