Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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