If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
