This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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