So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
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