Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
