You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
