she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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