Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
