do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
