porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
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