that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
