some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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