My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
