I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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