fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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