You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
