Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Let's paint friendship bongs
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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