Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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