every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
