I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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