After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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