Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
