he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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