they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
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