I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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