I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
