I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
