I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
