No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
