are you still at the devil's house?
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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