so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
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Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
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Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
The uberlube is also flammable
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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