The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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