I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.