he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Did I show you my penis last night?
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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