Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize
