Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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