I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
